I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago.  One of those big corporate chain gyms.  I even doled out the dough for some sessions with one of those personal trainer guys.  Played football for the Irish.

It's shallow, but i want to like how i look.  I want to be able to beat a 12 year old at arm wrestling.  I want the washboard, the pipes, the plunger, the whole sheetwagon.  I want to feel like i'm somebody.  Looks, weight, muscle mass, don't mean a thing, don't make someone somebody.  And i know that.  But if my self-esteem gets a boost then i'm willing to give in to the gym craze.

But actually it's been a nice escape, i have not been as wrapped up in my job the past couple weeks, so i'm more focused and driven when i'm at work. 

I'll take it.

I hate my job today.  Not everyday.  Not even most days.  But, today, i hate my job.  I am exhausted.  I'm tired.  I am beat up.  I am worn out.

Give me 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, weekends and holidays off.  Give me a cubicle and some #2 pencils.  No more whiny kids, no more irresponsible parents, no more gossip, no more pettyness.  I'll do what needs to be done.  I'll feed the corporate beast.

My creativity is gone.  My leadership skills are gone.  My teaching skills are gone.  Did i ever even have them in the first place? 

I hate my job today.  But this moment starts a new day.  God's Mercies are new every morning, and somewhere across this great earth the sun is rising.

Yesterday was a 'i hate my job' day.  Today will go much better.  God's Mercies are new every morning.   

Homelessness is a devestating black mark on America.  How can a country of such wealth possibly create a situation where milions upon millions have nowhere to lay their head?  And, even worse, that the majority of these folks are women, children, and physically and mentally disabled.  How can we allow 'the least of these' to be the least of these?'  We need to do something.  Soup Kitchens and shelters are not enough.  Nothing less then a systemic overthrow.  Where do we start?

I got together with an old friend today, who is also a Zaadzster, and it kind of inspired me to get back on the track here and pay attention.  It's easy for me to ignore all the things i am passionate about and ignore what is really going on in the world and instead turn my attention to sports or television.  It's time to get back in the game.  Live Passion.  Seek Justice.  Establish Community.  Organize People.  Pursue Peace.  Sew Peace.  Cultivate Love.  Pray for the World.

It's hard to blog.  Sometimes i get inspired, but for some reason it has been hard for me to write down my thoughts, beit infront of a computer or on paper.  It is even hard for me to express myself verbally at times.  Sometimes it's just easier to just keep everything in.  I learning to breathe.  And, i think, or at least i hope, that i will begin to be more in touch with my feelings.  I am in awe of so many bloggers, writers, authors, poets, potters, painters, musicians, and all other artists who can express themselves so meaningfully. 

I am not a movie goer, typically.  I usually go to the movies maybe 3, 4 times tops, a year.  But over the course of a weekend i saw Little Miss Sunshine THREE times. 

There is something about this movie.  It's about unconditional love, triumph, character, perseverance, hope through struggle.  It's HILARIOUS without being deliberately funny. 

I think what connects with me is the protrayal of 6 characters, each is so vastly, VASTLY, different from each other, yet, they get along as one unit, somehow.  The character development and writing are so supurb, every character sticks out equally and is equally loveable and aggravating at times.  It's hard to choose a favorite.

The ending is unbelievabley unexpected and rewarding.  I cannot think of another movie to compare it to.  

Most of all, it gave me a sense, a peace, that life does not have to be triumphant to be rewarding.  I do not have to be 'successful' to be a success.  And the greatest thing known to humanity is to be there, in community, for our families and one another, for bad and for worse. 

Last night i let my cravings get the best of me and at 11pm ordered a 16 inch half cheese, half greek olive pizza from this great place called Amatos (probably the best pizza i've had, outside of chicago, of course).  About a month ago i recommitted myself to try being a strict vegan, but i've been 'flexing' 2 or even 3 times a week sometimes.  I'm okay with bein' a prodigal vegan i suppose, better to stumble along the path of enlightenment than to not begin at all. 

Go to google.com, type 'failure' in the search engine. 

So, what does it mean to be socially responsible?  Does it mean i can still live comfortably as long as i recycle, eat primarily vegan, local and organic, give money, cheer on Cindy Sheehan, and vote green?  There is something more. 

My sophomore and junior years in college were full of looking down on anyone who claimed to care about the poor or 'worshiped' a God who did but did not seem to sacrifice much. 

The problem that arises when i look down on others is usually i'm not living up to the standards i want others, too.

But, i don't know, i guess i kinda feel like, since then, i've fallen into a lie.  I mean, yea, we're human beings, and our natural tendency is for comfort, for putting ourselves first.  But, if i claim to believe that 'the first shall be last and the last shall be first,' and if i claim to believe in social responsibility, than wouldn't i rather give the $1.29 i spend on a soda to a justice organization?  Am i willing to give up EVERYTHING for the embetterment of others?  I am a hypocrite.

I think i need to spend more time investing in 'socially responsible' causes, in people, in the poor, in the environment,  rather than dvds, cds, and excess food for myself.  And more of my time, thoughts and energy on others rather than on comfort and entertainment.  But, where i get the strength for that, that's a whole nother issue. 

Tonight i saw Sister Hazel perform.  It's amazing hearing old songs and remembering where i was when i was listening to them.  A big reason why i enjoy and connect with music so much is it brings me back to a different time period.  I heard a great song on the ride home called 'starting over.'  It brought tears to my eyes.  'Look at your face, it doesn't shine the way it used to, look at those eyes, they don't sparkle like they used to.  Well tell me how to get back to my childhood, i used to think i was so naive.....i was so naive, i, i'm starting over, i, i'm starting over.'  It brought healing, and the realization, obvious as it may be, that we can start over.  Painful thoughts come to my mind more often than i like to admit, and that's why it's so hard for me to write, cause i never feel like i can write what i am really feeling cause it's 'depressing' or stupid or whatever. 

In writing my thoughts yesterday, i was reminded how refreshing and releasing writing is and can be.  Writing and releasing my thoughts on a page does not make anything better or easier but for, some reason, yet to be revealed, writing helps me to make sense of things.  It brings healing.  I'm not quite sure what it is.

So i will start over.  I will not dwell on my past, but TRY to not only move on but allow the experiences i have had to shape me, and realize that alot of who i am today is a result of those things.  I'm starting over.